When Well-Meaning Words Make Things Worse

“Adopted children just need love and permanency,” and “they just need more time to adjust” are two phrases that foster parents and new adoptive parents hear over and over (and over and over). On the surface, they sound warm and hopeful—kind of like something you’d embroider on a pillow. But in reality, they are patently false and incredibly unhelpful.

These statements are prime examples of adoption-specific thought-terminating clichés. They’re tidy little phrases that end the conversation before it starts. And in this case, they both essentially translate to:  “This kid is your problem now! Buh bye!”

People who understand attachment disorders know the truth: love and permanency can actually trigger a child with attachment-injuries. The very things we assume will bring safety and stability often stir up the deepest fears and defenses in these children. And time alone? Time fixes nothing. Without active, intentional intervention, time simply allows the patterns to deepen. The reality of what adopted children need is far more complex than a greeting-card sentiment.

Another category of unhelpful comments are the ones that brush off the behaviors of attachment-injured kids as if they were just part of typical childhood. These often come wrapped in the warm fuzziness of “relatability” and start with lines like:

• “Biological children do that too.”

• “My kid was like that; they’ll grow out of it.”

• “There is no way that child could do that! They are so sweet to me!”

• “They don’t have behavioral issues at school.”

• “This is just sibling rivalry; every kid does it.”

  
  

Every parent of an attachment injured child has heard at least one of these, usually more. And what they actually translate to is: “This is normal. You’re overreacting. Stop complaining about your kid acting like a kid.”

Here’s the thing—these behaviors are not the same.

 Let me share with you a story a friend and fellow parent of an attachment-injured child told me a while back. It was a normal school morning - some arguing and fighting about brushing hair and teeth and wearing weather appropriate clothing - but nothing out of the ordinary for them. Moments before the child needed to leave for the bus stop, she slipped into the kitchen, dumped an entire gallon of milk on the floor, and told her mom with a grin, “Now you have to clean it up because you’re the mom.” That wasn’t a childish accident or a moment of clumsy rebellion. It was deliberate sabotage, designed to push her mom away. And if my friend had told anyone who’d only ever seen her angelic public side, they’d probably have said, “Oh, kids do silly things sometimes.”

No. This is different.

When you’re met with disbelief or dismissal every time you open up, you stop talking. You stop sharing the reality of what’s happening in your home. And isolation is a dangerous place for a parent dealing with the exhausting, relentless challenges of raising a child with an attachment disorder.

Perhaps the most damaging comments are the ones that suggest the problem isn’t the child’s trauma—it’s the parents. These little gems sound like:

• “Maybe you need better parenting skills.”

• “If that was my kid, I would…”

• “Maybe if you weren’t so strict…”

• “They’ve had a hard life, so maybe you just need more patience.”

  
  

These statements are more than just hurtful; they’re dangerous. They shift the blame entirely onto the adoptive parents, erasing the reality of early trauma and the neurobiological impact it has on a child.

Once that seed of doubt about the parents is planted, it can grow fast. Suddenly, people start believing whatever the child says—without ever hearing the other side or understanding the full picture. This creates a perfect storm for false allegations, which have the power to devastate families.

If you want to support a parent of an adopted child—especially one navigating the rocky waters of attachment-injuries—start here:

• Believe them. If they tell you their child is doing something alarming at home, trust their words even if you’ve never seen it.

• Resist the clichés. It’s not comforting to hear a feel-good phrase that minimizes the problem.

• Don’t compare experiences. Your child’s defiance at bedtime is not the same as trauma-driven oppositional behavior.

• Keep your advice to yourself—unless it’s requested. Unsolicited advice, no matter how well-meaning, often lands as criticism.

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Above all, remember: your words can either be a lifeline or a weight. Parents raising kids with attachment disorders already carry enough. Choose words that lighten the load, not ones that make it heavier.

And for the record, that gallon of milk on my friend’s kitchen floor? It wasn’t about the milk.. It was about control, fear, and testing whether she would respond in anger or stability. If you can understand that moment for what it truly was, then you understand why phrases like “all kids do that” aren’t just wrong—they’re harmful. And if you can’t, then maybe the best thing you can say is nothing at all, and simply believe the parent who’s living it.