The Myth of Love and Permanency

The Myth of Love and Permanency

If you adopted a child from foster care, someone—probably multiple someones—likely told you, “All this child needs is love and permanency.” And you probably know by now that statement is a load of bologna. Yet so many good-hearted people fall victim to this belief.

There are amazing, loving, compassionate people who choose to become foster parents in order to make a difference in the lives of children. People who genuinely want to believe that an open heart and consistent care can heal any wound. That somehow, the trauma of being neglected, maltreated, and then ripped away from their biological family will disappear once a child is, on paper, a member of a new family.

The reality is, children who experience early trauma have permanent differences in their brains that no amount of love or permanency can erase. The part of the brain responsible for sensing and responding to danger—the amygdala—is overactive. These children are constantly on high alert, often perceiving non-threatening situations as dangerous. For attachment-injured children, this includes viewing connection and attachment—love itself—as unsafe.

Additionally, the development of the prefrontal cortex (responsible for decision-making and emotional regulation) is stunted, and the hippocampus (where memory and learning occur) is smaller than that of same-age peers. Bottom line: early childhood trauma wires the brain for survival first and foremost.

Unfortunately, society as a whole remains largely uninformed about trauma, despite “trauma-informed care” being a buzzword in parenting, therapy, education, and beyond. As a result, foster parents are often underprepared and misinformed. They discover too late that good intentions are not enough. When they ask case workers or professionals about their foster child's emotional and behavioral struggles, they are frequently misled—both by direct reassurances and by omission—into believing that adoption will solve the issues.

Thus, foster parents become adoptive parents, and the oversimplified adoption narratives they once trusted collapse. They are left raising deeply misunderstood, trauma-impacted children while feeling incompetent, burned out, isolated, and guilty.

Parenting a child from a hard place is profoundly complex and multi-faceted. Love and permanency are only small parts of the puzzle.

I have been in my attachment-injured child's life since he was five months old. I have loved him with my whole heart from the very beginning. He became a permanent member of our family at age three. Yet, seven years later, I still see the stamp of his early life every day.

There are moments, days, even weeks when I feel powerless against his trauma. Times when I watch him rage, run away from home, hurt himself, damage the house, and scream that he hates me. Times when I feel like I am failing him. Times when I question every decision I have ever made about his care and my parenting. Times when it feels like my love for him, and his permanent place in our family, mean absolutely nothing when it comes to healing his wounds.

If you connect with these feelings, know that you are not alone.

You may not have known enough at the beginning of your journey—neither did I, and neither did most foster-turned-adoptive parents. You now understand that love alone cannot repair the hurt your child endured. But please, believe that change is still possible.

Let go of unrealistic expectations. Learn as much as you can about childhood trauma. Attend family therapy with your child (and individual therapy for yourself). Find other parents who are walking the same difficult road. Be patient and gentle with yourself. Healing will be slow and messy.

I love my son fiercely, but I have learned that I cannot love away his trauma. Love is not all you need—it is merely the start.